Wanting it to be more than just…

Posted by on January 3, 2017

Update: January 3rd, 2017

I found myself laying in the tub the other night (yes I have baths. It’s relaxing and helps me think) and after I dropped one of the bath balms into the water, I watched as it fizzed and began to dissolve. In a way, I started thinking about that ball of chemicals and comparing it to my own life.

I saw myself in that silly bath balm. Starting out as one whole person but over time, parts of you dissolving into the world around you. Much like how you tell one person a story and they might repeat it for someone else. Or your children telling their children about you. By the time the balm dissolved, or I die, the only thing left of me is what was dissolved into the water. Still there, sort of, but not really having much substance. Yet when I looked at the water, it had gone from clear to a sort of pinkish color.

When my balm dissolves, will I have changed the color of the world around me, or will it be the same as it always was.

43. I just turned 43 a few days ago. And I’ll be honest, my birthday sucked.

At this very moment, I can’t even tell you why it sucked but I can tell you that it did. I can also tell you that I told Tamara I may be done with having birthdays. It is just another day and whether you celebrate it or not, life goes on.

I sat in the living room telling Tamara that although I am not unhappy in my life, I do not feel like it has a lot of meaning. That might sound a little contradictory but I assure you it is not.

I have a great life. My wife is awesome. My kids are great. I have a great job that I love to do. I get to travel the world and see all kinds of cool stuff. I’ve had some pretty amazing experiences in my life. But with all of that, I still feel like my life is not really complete.

When I turn 86 and the piano falls out of the sky and lands on me, people will laugh (because hell, that’s funny) and then they’ll be sad I died. People will mourn me and remember the quirky things I did. My kids will tell stories about me and so will my grandchildren. But beyond my immediate family, once I am gone and the mourning has passed, all of the things I have accomplished, and the things I have seen and done, will all disappear in the blink of an eye. I’ll have made no real mark or change in the world and that’s what bothers me.

There are literally millions of people who die one way or another every year and a year later, no one remembers them, or knows anything about what they did because really, they didn’t do anything that ever made a big difference around them. Sure, many people’s actions have big influences on those around them, but once those people are gone, what’s left of you?

I find myself every year wondering if the same thing will happen to me. Will I be one of those people whose friends and family loved but just got swept away like all of the others.

How do we find a way to make our mark on the world so that when time passes, you won’t be forgotten?

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